Shirley Knot the Siren
– script for hearing impaired
Shirley Knot’s Story – The Reluctant Siren/fish outta water
- There will be an intro played on a track 1 to introduce Shirley… saying:
Direct from the mid-Atlantic, a legend in her own fish tank, a fish about the high seas, accused of sinking the Titanic, she’s been the motion of the oceans, she’s the winning fish of Celebrity Swim me out of here! She’s a regular face at Hove Lagoon, a slippery, but wet fem-fatal and lady in the Spotlight, please welcome the famous Undead Siren of the deep – Shirley Knot the Siren!
Spoken from off stage
‘When one door closes, somewhere a window opens’
Que track 2
- I have confidence: (approx. 4mins)
Lyrics: intro:
What will this day be like? I wonder…, what will my future be?
I wonder…, it could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing, oh, what’s the matter with me?
I’ve always longed for adventure, to do the things I’ve never dared
Now here I’m facing adventure, then why am I so scared?
Walking on fins and humans. What’s so fearsome about that?!
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries,
If I don’t, I just know I’ll turn back.
I must dream of the things that I am seeking. I am seeking the courage I lack.
The courage to find my own reliance.
Face my mistakes without defiance,
Show them I’m worthy and,
While I show them, I’ll show me, so,
Let this world bring on all its problems.
I’ll do better than my best.
I have confidence it’ll put me to the test,
but I’ll make it see, I have confidence in me.
Somehow, I will impress them,
I will be firm, but kind and all those people,
Poseidon bless them, they will look up to me and mind me.
With each flipper I am more certain everything will turn out fine.
I have confidence the world can all be mine
beside they’ll have to agree I have confidence in me.
I have confidence in sunshine.
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again;
beside which, you see I have confidence in me.
Strength doesn’t lie in looks.
Strength doesn’t lie in youth.
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber.
When you wake up, wake up! It’s healthy.
All I trust I leave my heart to.
All I trust becomes my own.
I have confidence in confidence alone;
(full stop and spoken) Oh, help!
Besides which, you see, I have confidence in me.
‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen – I’m Shirley Knot the Siren – I’ve swam all the way from New York, just to be with you here tonight’
‘Er.., do you know the difference between mermaids and sirens? Mermaids are the ones who are really good at swimming – us sirens, we’re just meant to hang out on the rocks singing, luring humans to their death. But don’t worry! I’ve given all that up – the luring to death part anyway, not the singing.
I bet you think it’s pretty glamorous, being a siren? Men – literally – throwing themselves at you; painters coming from far and wide to take your portrait.
And for a while, it kinda was…
But then, to be honest, lying around on a rock all day – really ain’t that comfortable! Fin cramps, seaweed riding up in all sorts of places and now I’ve got terrible rock back.
It’s fine when you’re young. Everyone adores you and you think the world will always want you, but let me ask you one question: ever seen a middle-aged siren?
So, this is my story.
I’m here to tell you the real truth about mermaids, merfolk and ageing sirens. And to clear up the murky waters on the myths about Atlantis. Atlantis is where we live – a secret, beautiful city, submerged under the sea. Of course, there isn’t just one Atlantis (that’s just what humans think) there are Atlantis’ everywhere, just off the coasts of most major cities, hidden societies, filled with merfolk… there’s Atlantis Vancouver (where I was a tadpole), Atlantis London, Atlantis New York
Que track 3
– and that was where I swam to when I was just a teenage siren, fins full of energy and a net full of dreams….
- New York, New York (approx. 3mins)
These little town blues are melting away.
I’ll make a brand-new start of it in old New York.
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you, New York, New York.
New York, New York.
I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps
and find I’m a number one, top of the list,
Queen of the hill, a number one.
These little town blues are melting away.
I’m gonna make a brand-new start of it
in old New York, and if I can make it there,
I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you, New York, New York!
Ah! Atlantis New York! I can still remember the excitement, the adventure, the kelp smoothies! Better than matcha tea ya get here.
Now, I am specially trained to be a siren, but I was born to mer-parents. That’s how it goes – one pops up in the family every now and then. Of course, they hadn’t had a siren since, well, my great-grand siren parent. So, my mer-parents, didn’t know what to do with me.
They sent me off to siren school. I wanted to sing music theatre and pop – but being a siren requires opera training. The waves and storms at sea can get pretty loud, so you need to be able to carry a tune a long way over noisy situations. So – I was willingly forced to sing classically – hence the name Shirley Knot – I am a reluctant siren. I was a ‘fish out of water’ right from day one.
I felt I was swimming upstream for a long time ‘cause I just didn’t have the oars of experience in my family background. My mer-parents did the best they could – paid for my education, supported me with the idea, but they just never understood it. They were proud when I graduated siren university – I didn’t want to go to my own graduation, but I did, in the end for Mom and Dad’s sake.
I always felt that I should be grateful to have this voice, but I wasn’t given the personality to match. I’m more like a hermit crab than a flying fish type. You know what I mean?
Que track 4
- Never Wanted – Carmen (1:22)
Never wanted to be involved in the opera you see.
There were too many preconceptions that were stopping the younger me.
I had no horns. My boobs were too small.
I didn’t speak Italian and I don’t speak French,
but I had a voice like this.
Pop just didn’t make much sense.
Opera, Pop Star, Opera, Pop Star
My biggest dream and please don’t laugh
was to be in a 90’s girl group.
Then finally, I would sing songs with words that people understood.
I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, want
Ah zigga, zigga, zigga Ah.
Thank you, thank you! Barman (or Sound person) – can I get a rum and coke please?
Know how a siren takes her Captain Morgan? On the rocks!
Now where was I? Oh yes…
My dream of being a pop star was not to be – but I made it as an opera singer! I was well known in Atlantis New York. I was belting out those arias and people would swim from miles around to see my rock and watch how many humans I could lure!!!
I was Queen of the Seas (never gave the crown back – no way!) I even went on Atlantis’ Got Talent, Come Fish with Me – An Underwater Dining Experience and Celebrity Swim me out of here (I won that one)!
I was in talks with getting my own show, but then I hit that ‘certain’ age and then the tides started to recede…
Bam!
The mer-world is brutal for females. The minute your butt drops, your blubber grows and your fins start to wrinkle that’s it.
Que track 5
- What ever happened to my part (3:05)
Lyrics:
Whatever happened to my part?
It was exciting at the start.
Now I’m halfway through life, too and I’ve got nothing left to do.
I’ve been out to sea for far too long.
It’s ages since I had a song.
This is one unhappy siren.
The producers have deceived her.
There’s nothing I can sing from my heart.
Whatever happened to my part?
I am sick of my career, always stuck in second gear.
Up to hear with frustration and with fear.
I’ve no grammy awards.
I’ve no Tony awards.
I’m constantly replaced by the little mermaid…the little mermaid!
Whatever happened to my show?
I was a hit, now I don’t know.
They’re a bunch of lying seaweed types.
Prancing round in fishy tights.
I might as well go to the pub.
Or start searching for a new job.
Telling me to shush.
Well they can kiss my tush.
It’s seems to me they’ve really lost the plot.
Whatever happened to me?
I’ll call my agent damn it.
Whatever happened to my?
Not yours, not yours, not yours, but my part!
Of course, it’s different for men. Look at Poseidon – I mean, he’s still pretty buff and all – but he’s got grey hair and wrinkles! And what do they call him? King of the Sea! Power and experience, that’s what age means to him. Hundreds of years old and he’s still swimming about with his trident and everyone’s just lapping him up.
Us middle-aged female sirens, what do they want us to do? Disappear. I’m not kidding. In Atlantis, when a single siren or mermaid gets to a certain age. Unless you’re staying at home with a bunch of tadpoles, they kick you out and expect you to hide at the bottom of the ocean for the rest of your life.
What a load of sea kelp!
Well not me!
No sir, Atlantis, I’m not crawling under a rock at the bottom of the sea!
So, I made the massive decision – I’m coming onto land, for all to see! Yes, that’s right!
It’s not as easy as it looks, though –
You think I’ve got this walking stick because I’m so old? No, it’s just friggin’ hard to walk on these fins! I’ve just landed on these shores and walking on my fins for the 1st time. I feel like a baby, learning how to swim all over again, except I’m swimming on land. Who knows? Maybe after a few years, I’ll evolve and grow some feet. Just like my boobs (melons) here, which just keep growing bigger and bigger! I started out as a AAA battery and now I’m a double DD.
Of course, there are other aging problems you have to deal with.
The sea grass! My god – hair growing in parts you never thought possible and falling out where you don’t want it to – right sir?!
I’ve now got sea flaps – these can be good for gliding, stopping and propelling me through water.
I’m also starting to have a bit of Sea Fog …
Que track 6
- Memory (4:17)
Lyrics:
Midnight, I wake up and remember
that I left the door open with the groceries outside.
Where the heck did, I put those keys, oh look there they are, underneath the TV guide.
Memory, what became of the short term?
I remember the old days; I was sharper back then.
If I eat fish and do the crosswords every day,
will my brain cells grow again?
I could swear I put those tickets right here in my wallet.
Now I’m late, I thought the show starts at eight.
I wrote that in my…whatchamacallit.
Damn it, what did I come into this room for?
Maybe when I was younger, I took too many ludes?
Where’s the ginkgo biloba that I picked up today?
Oh, I left it at Whole Foods.
(spoken over music) It’s been tough slithering out of the water, there’s so much to adjust to. The hustle and bustle, so many people, so much noise – so different from being on a rock alone all day.
What the hell is that guy’s name?
He sings with me in the choir.
Did I turn both of the burners off or is my house on fire?
Shoot me, put me out of my misery
or just leave me to wander, solder round parking lots.
If they ask you, tell them I once had a memory too.
What’s the question? I forgot.
You know what the ocean said to the siren? Nothing – it just waved.
And my stomach’s gotten weaker – I can’t eat humans anymore – you just contribute to my IBS.
I’ve noticed you guys are all turning vegan, but I’ve become bacontarian! That’s right, Bacon has ‘Saved my bacon’. It’s true. For fish types like me to make the leap straight from human eating to vegan is just a wave too far, but I have turned over a new fin.
Naturally, I only eat the bacon once a week, but I’ve discovered all things green: grapes, lettuce, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, green beans, green tea. And the latest trend – the coconut… you can eat it, you can drink it, you can lather it on your scales…and you can try to get the audience to join in a silly dance! When you get to my age a bit of elderly chair aerobics.
Que track 7
- Da Coconut Nut song from Moana (approx. 1:30)
(Audience participation, to join in with simple dance moves in the intro to the song)
Da Coconut nut is a giant nut.
If you eat too much you get very fat.
Now! Da coconut nut is a big, big nut
but this delicious nut is not a nut!
It’s da coconut fruit
of the coco tree
from the coco palm family. Ole!
Now, I bet you think I’m pretty unique as a siren on land? Which, of course, I am! But, I’d like to introduce you to the oyster because any oyster can make a pearl, right? So, like a grain of sand in an oyster – women just get better with age… as well as wiser… oh, and, tastier, too!
Que track 8
- Tale of the Oyster (approx. 2:30)
Down by the sea lived a lonesome oyster,
ev’ry day getting sadder and moister.
He found his home life awf’lly wet
and longed to travel with the upper set.
Poor little oyster!
Fate was kind to that oyster, we know,
when one day the chef from the Park Casino
saw that oyster lying there and said,
“I’ll put you on my bill of fare.”
Lucky little oyster!
See him on his silver platter
watching the queens of fashion chatter,
hearing the wives of millionaires
discuss their marriages and their love affairs.
Thrilled little oyster!
See that bivalve social climber
feeding the rich Mrs. Hoggenheimer.
Think of his joy as he gaily glides
down to the middle of her gilded insides.
Proud little sea oyster!
After lunch Mrs H complains
and says to her hostess, “I’ve got such pains!
I came to town on my yacht today,
but I think I’d better hurry back to Oyster Bay.”
Scared little oyster!
Off they go thru the troubled tide,
the yacht rolling madly from side to side.
They’ve tossed about till that poor young oyster
finds that it’s time he should quit his cloister.
Up comes oyster!
Back once more where he started from,
he murmured, “I haven’t a single qualm,
for I’ve had a taste of society
and society has had a taste of me.”
Wise little oyster.
But I’ve come ready to make new friends. I’m in the big city itself, London! It’s amazing here, so many different cultures and people, I’m sure I can find my place.
I think I can belong here. I’ve just wanted to be a part of your world… ‘I don’t see how a world that makes such wonderful things…
Que track 9
– Donairs, Pizza from Pizza Corner, Timmies double, double – could be bad?’
- Part of Your World Song (3mins)
Look at this stuff, Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collections complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl,
the girl who has everything.
Look at this trove, treasures untold.
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you’d think,
sure, she’s got everything.
I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty.
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore.
You want thingamabobs. I’ve got twenty, but who cares?
No big deal. I want more.
I wanna be where the people are.
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’,
walk’n around on those, what’d ya call’em, Oh feet!
Flipp’n your fins you don’t get too far.
Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’.
Strollin’ along down the, what’s the word again? Street!
Up where they walk, up where they run,
up where they stay all day in the sun.
Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world.
What would I give if I could live outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Betcha on land they understand.
Bet they don’t reprimand their daughters.
Bright old women, sick of swimmin’, ready to stand
And ready to know what the people know.
Ask them my questions and get some answers.
What’s a fire, and why does it, what’s the word? Burn?
When’s it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love, love to explore that shore up above,
out of the sea, wish I could be part of your world.
I’ve been here among humans on land for a little while now. I’m singing music theatre and I’m discovering a new life and new sides of myself which have never been allowed to live before. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my old world. I have friends and family, …
Que track 10
under the waves, who I’ll probably never see again, because they can’t accept me for who I am now. But they’ll always be a part of my life and my memories, as I journey into this new stage of my life…
- My Heart Will go on (approx. 4:30)
Ev’ry night in my dreams I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance and spaces between us,
you have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door
and you’re here in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.
Spoken over music: What have I learned since coming on to land? That maybe you always feel like you never belong. But it’s your choice. Don’t let other people choose where you belong – you choose for yourself where to belong
You’re here: there’s nothing to fear,
and I know that my heart will go on.
We’ll stay forever this way.
You are safe in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.
My hope is that one day mer-people will appreciate that females of a ‘certain’ age and that the human race will do a better job of this over my merworld. The merworld watches what you do, and they really do copy and learn from you.
I started out as Shirley Knot (down emphasis) – never wanting to be an opera singing siren, but it’s taught me, that I’m now Shirley Knot (up emphasis) – there’s always the possibility to change, no matter what stage of life you’re at.
So, my hope for you is take time each day to nurture your self-esteem and (hold until track starts) …
Que track 11
Come swim with me….
- Come Swim with Me (3:16)
Come swim with me, let’s swim, let’s swim away.
If you can use some exotic booze, there’s a bar across the bay.
Come swim with me, come swim, let’s swim away.
Come swim with me, let’s float down to Mosquito lagoon.
In Hollis land there’s a one-man band who’ll toot his flute for you.
Come swim with me, come swim let’s swim away.
Once I get you down there, where the air is rarefied.
We’ll just glide, fish eyed.
Once I get you down there, I’ll be holding you so near.
You may hear, angels crying because your drowning (dying).
Weather wise it’s such a lovely (gas’n) day.
You just say the word and we’ll beat those gulls down to old Peggy Cove Bay.
It’s perfect for a swimming Hen (stag) do they say.
Come swim with me, come swim, come swim away.
(Repeat last 2 verses, but with slight changes of words)
Pack up let’s swim away.