Shirley Knot the Siren
– script for hearing impaired
Shirley Knot’s Story – The Reluctant Siren/fish outta water
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- There will be an intro played on a track 1 to introduce Shirley… saying:
Direct from the mid-Atlantic, a legend in her own fish tank, a fish about the high seas, accused of sinking the Titanic, she’s been the motion of the oceans, she’s the winning fish of Celebrity Swim me out of here! She’s a regular face at Hove Lagoon, a slippery, but wet fem-fatal and lady in the Spotlight, please welcome the famous Undead Siren of the deep – Shirley Knot the Siren!
Spoken from off stage
‘When one door closes, somewhere a window opens’
Que track 2 – Shirley walks from USR via door – very slowly while singing
- I have confidence: (approx. 4mins)
What will this day be like? I wonder…, what will my future be?
(Shirley starts to walk on stage tentatively with cane and wobbles to middle stage slowly)
I wonder…, it could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing, oh, what’s the matter with me?
I’ve always longed for adventure, to do the things I’ve never dared
Now here I’m facing adventure, then why am I so scared?
Walking on fins and humans. What’s so fearsome about that?!
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries,
If I don’t, I just know I’ll turn back.
I must dream of the things that I am seeking. I am seeking the courage I lack.
The courage to find my own reliance.
Face my mistakes without defiance,
Show them I’m worthy and,
While I show them, I’ll show me, so,
Let this world bring on all its problems.
I’ll do better than my best.
I have confidence it’ll put me to the test,
but I’ll make it see, I have confidence in me.
Somehow, I will impress them,
I will be firm, but kind and all those people,
Poseidon bless them, they will look up to me and mind me.
With each flipper I am more certain everything will turn out fine.
I have confidence the world can all be mine
beside they’ll have to agree I have confidence in me.
I have confidence in sunshine.
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again;
beside which, you see I have confidence in me.
Strength doesn’t lie in looks.
Strength doesn’t lie in youth.
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber.
When you wake up, wake up! It’s healthy.
All I trust I leave my heart to.
All I trust becomes my own.
I have confidence in confidence alone;
(full stop and spoken) Oh, help!
(slow build in music with accents) Besides which, you see, I have confidence in me.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen – I’m Shirley Knot the Siren – that’s knot with a ‘k’, kay? I’ve swam all the way from New York, just to be with you here tonight, except the last 200 yards from the canal… You’d think I’d get an uber from the port (name somewhere local), it’s so hard to get an accessible uber I don’t know why they can’t just send a tank, (turn to someone nearby and say: there are 2 meanings for the word tank) – I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking tank top, this joke is tanking. There’s a ‘k’ on tank – tank backwards gnat which is not knot.
Do you know the difference between mermaids and sirens? Mermaids swim well – us sirens, we sit on rocks, were like chips in that respect, only we sing and lure people to their death … but let me say, if your ambulance has a mermaid on it, it won’t get there very fast. If you dial 999, you never get a mermaid, you always get a siren.
I bet you think it’s pretty glamorous, being a siren? Men – literally – throwing themselves at you, plus there’s painters coming from far and wide to take your portrait – Disney animators looking for inspiration or channel 4 documentary on embarrassing bodies – they wanted to know why I had a fish tail – that’s not the question we should be asking… I’m more confused by why does a fish have tits? Tadpoles don’t eat off your breasts, baby fish only eat the skin off your fins. When we copulate, we just put spunk in the water and then swim through it.
Ladies, I’ve been experimenting with men, I show them which scales to hit, but they never seem to hit the right ones. I tell them (beat) it’s B major. Show orgasm
But to be honest, lying around on a rock all day – ain’t that great! You get fin cramps, seaweed crawling into areas you never wanted it to, and OMG, do I have rock back and a tiny smidge of middle-aged roll. Elvis impression Oh yeah, the puns run throughout this show.
It’s fine when you’re young. You think everybody’s gonna love you, but let me ask you one question: how many middle-aged female identifying sirens do you see in paintings, social media, films, TV? You’ve all heard about the little mermaid, have you heard about the menopausal mermaid? The siren with sciatica? [beat] There’s no menopausal mermaid Barbie.
When I have a hot flash, everyone thinks I’ve been grilled. I get hot flashes, memory loss and … you know, I wrote it down somewhere… it’s hard having pockets with a tail.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is my story.
I’m here to explain the difference between mermaids, merfolk and ageing female identifying sirens. And to clear up the murky waters around the myths of Atlantis. That’s not a night club in…(local sleezy area/town). Atlantis is where we live – a secret, beautiful city, submerged under the sea. Although, thanks to climate change, we are expanding our empire.
If you think living under the sea is weird, you might want to check your carbon footprint. Of course, there isn’t just one Atlantis (that’s just what humans think) there are Atlantis’ everywhere, just off the coasts of most major metropolie, hidden societies, filled with merfolk… there’s Atlantis Vancouver (where I grew up as a tadpole), Atlantis (local ropey place), Atlantis New York – they’ve franchised it, anyone can set up their own Atlantis all you need is a rising tide, pond, water wings and a dream…
Que track 3
Atlantis New York is where I swam as a teenage tadpole with fins full of energy and a net full of dreams….
- New York, New York (approx. 3mins)
These little town blues are melting away.
I’ll make a brand-new start of it in old New York.
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you, New York, New York.
Spoken: This is my kick line ladies and gents.
New York, New York.
I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps
and find I’m a number one, top of the list,
Queen of the hill, a number one.
These little town blues are melting away.
I’m gonna make a brand-new start of it
in old New York, and if I can make it there,
I’ll make it anywhere.
It’s up to you, New York, New York!
Ah! Atlantis New York! I can remember the excitement, the adventure, the kelp smoothies! Much better than your matcha tea.
My parents sent me off to siren university in Cirencester. Then I went off to the university of bath where I was a big fish in a small bath. Anyway, I learnt my scales and I came out with a bachelor in fin-arts. My dad – Roger and my mom – Jolly (skull & cross bones). They have a family business making Jolly Rodgers, they sell flags to pirates. It’s never caught on – who wants to wave a Rodger Jolly?
They did the best they cod. My parents never really understood me, they’d be watching the Lawrence Welk show, and they’d turn to me and ask, what do I want to watch, and I’d say (blubbery underwater sound of Sunday night Disney) – probably because we were under water at the time.
At my school we were graded on our ability, and I was in the bottom stream, but they told me to know my plaice, eventually I managed to salmon up the courage… I’ve got a load more jokes about that, but they’d be red herrings.
To be honest, I’ve always seen myself as a hermit crab, at least I’ve always struggled to get out of the rental market. I’m a bit less flying fish type and bit more frying fish.
Fortunately, those of you in the front row are likely to sustain ear damage during the course of the next few minutes – just bear in mind that I’ve been trained to act like a storm warning device.
I’m wearing rhinestone arm bands (to the tune I’m a rhinestone cowboy). I wanted to sing pop, but my hands were tide.
By the way that is a pun about tide, sorry if you think I’m being a bore and that’s another pun, you know a bore, it’s like a big wave that goes down the river, it goes on and on and on, a bit like me. Do you get it?
Que track 4 – you may need to make this track louder
- Never Wanted – Carmen (1:22)
Never wanted to be involved in the opera you see.
There were too many preconceptions that were stopping the younger me.
I had no horns. My boobs were too small.
I didn’t speak Italian and I don’t speak French,
but I had a voice like this.
Pop just didn’t make much sense.
Opera, Pop Star, Opera, Pop Star
My biggest dream and please don’t laugh
was to be in a 90’s girl group.
Then finally, I would sing songs with words that people understood.
I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really, really want.
Ah zigga, zigga, zigga Ah.
Thank you, thank you! Barman (or Sound person) – can I get a rum and coke please?
(To audience) Know how a siren takes her Captain Morgan? On the rocks!
Now, where was I? Oh yes…
My dream of being a pop star was not to be.
I was on Atlantis’ Got Talent – to be honest it was a wash out, Come Fish with Me – An Underwater Dining Experience – I won that one, I was a little salty and Celebrity Swim me out of here!
I was in talks with getting my own show and BAM!
It’s tough being a female fish of a certain age, but I can tell you when you are a siren and they tell you that things have dried up, it’s tough.
As I got older my career, like the tides, and my boyfriend’s hair line, receded…
The mer-world is brutal to us female types. The minute your butt drops (lift butt cheek & drop), your blubber grows (pinch some fat) and your fins start to wrinkle (squeeze face) that’s it.
Que track 5
- What ever happened to my part (3:05)
Lyrics:
Whatever happened to my part?
It was exciting at the start.
Now I’m halfway through life, too and I’ve got nothing left to do.
I’ve been out to sea for far too long.
It’s ages since I had a song.
This is one unhappy siren.
The producers have deceived her.
There’s nothing I can sing from my heart.
Whatever happened to my part?
I am sick of my career, always stuck in second gear.
Up to hear with frustration and with fear.
I’ve no grammy awards.
I’ve no Tony awards.
I’m constantly replaced by the little mermaid…the little mermaid!
Whatever happened to my show?
I was a hit, now I don’t know.
They’re a bunch of lying seaweed types.
Prancing round in fishy tights.
I might as well go to the pub.
Or start searching for a new job.
Telling me to shush.
Well they can kiss my tush.
It’s seems to me they’ve really lost the plot.
Whatever happened to me?
I’ll call my agent damn it.
Whatever happened to my?
Not yours, not yours, not yours, but my part!
Of course, it’s not the same for the men in the merworld. I mean look at Poseidon – but everyone’s thinking silver fox, some people would say silver fish, but I never found 4 of those trapped under my toilet – but he’s got grey hair and wrinkles! And what do they call him? King of the Sea! (do male muscle pose with hands in cactus position) Power and experience, that’s what age means to him. Hundreds of years old and he’s still swimming about with his old trident and everyone’s lapping him up.
(Beatles song Help – 1 verse) Kelp, I need somebody, Kelp, not just anybody, Kelp me if you can I’m swimming down and I do appreciate swimming around. Kelp me get my fins back on the ground, won’t you please, please, kelp me.
Us middle-aged female sirens or mermaids, what do they want us to do? Disappear. I’m not kidding. In Atlantis, when you are a single siren or mermaid and you get to a certain age, unless you’re staying at home with a bunch of tadpoles, they kick you out and expect you to hide at the bottom of the ocean for the rest of your life.
What a load of sea kelp!
Well not me!
No sir, Atlantis, I’m not crawling under a rock at the bottom of the sea!
So, I made the massive decision of coming onto land, for all to see!
It’s not as easy as it looks, though –
You think I’ve got this walking stick because I’m so old? No, it’s just friggin’ hard to walk on these fins! I’ve just landed on these shores and walking on my fins for the 1st time. I feel like a tadpole, learning how to swim all over again, except I’m swimming on land. Who knows? Maybe after a few years, I’ll evolve and grow some feet. (Just like that little mermaid) Not everything’s bad with aging, like my boobs here! I started out with AAAs and now I’ve got double DDs.
Of course, there are other aging problems you have to deal with.
There’s sea grass! Hair growing in parts you never wanted it to and falling out where you don’t want it to, (find bald man in audience) – right sir?!
I’ve got these now – sea flaps (demonstrate the sea flaps) – there good for gliding, stopping and propelling me through water.
I’m also starting to have a bit of Sea Fog …
Que track 6
- Memory (4:17)
Lyrics:
Midnight, I wake up and remember
that I left the door open with the groceries outside.
Where the heck did, I put those keys, oh look there they are, underneath the TV guide.
Memory, what became of the short term?
I remember the old days; I was sharper back then.
If I eat fish and do the crosswords every day,
will my brain cells grow again?
I could swear I put those tickets right here in my wallet.
Now I’m late, I thought the show starts at eight.
I wrote that in my…whatchamacallit.
Damn it, what did I come into this room for?
Maybe when I was younger, I took too many ludes?
Where’s the ginkgo biloba that I picked up today?
Oh, I left it at Whole Foods.
(spoken over music) It’s been tough slithering out of the water, there’s so much to adjust to. The hustle and bustle, so many people, so much noise – so different from being on a rock alone all day in the middle of the ocean with the waves lapping at my fins/tail, with the sea gulls crying and the people dying. Those were the days.
What the hell is that guy’s name?
He sings with me in the choir.
Did I turn both of the burners off or is my house on fire?
Shoot me, put me out of my misery
or just leave me to wander, solder round parking lots.
If they ask you, tell them I once had a memory too.
What’s the question? I forgot.
You know what the ocean said to the siren? Nothing – it just waved.
I can’t eat humans anymore. You are too full of mercury. You just contribute to my IBS.
I’ve become bacontarian! That’s right, Bacon has ‘Saved my bacon’. It’s true. For fish types like me to make the leap straight from human eating to vegan is just a wave too far, but I have turned over a new fin.
Naturally, I only eat the bacon once a week, but I’ve discovered all things green: grapes, lettuce, artichokes, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, green beans, green tea. And the latest trend – the coconut… you can eat it, you can drink it, you can lather it all over your scales…and you can try to get the audience to join in! Doing a bit of elderly chair aerobics.
Que track 7
- Da Coconut Nut song from Moana (approx. 1:30)
(Audience participation, to join in with simple dance moves in the intro to the song)
Da Coconut nut is a giant nut.
If you eat too much you get very fat.
Now! Da coconut nut is a big, big nut
but this delicious nut is not a nut!
It’s da coconut fruit
of the coco tree
from the coco palm family. Ole!
(Conspiring tone) Now, I bet you think I’m pretty unique as a siren on land? Which, of course, I am! But I’d like to introduce you to, my friend, the oyster because any oyster can make a pearl, right? Women are like oysters at 1st they might be a bit tough to crack, but once you get to know them, you realise there’s a pearl inside. Be careful, though – try to rush them and you might get salt water in your eye, oh, and they offer a tasty dish, too!
Que track 8
- Tale of the Oyster (approx. 2:30)
Down by the sea lived a lonesome oyster,
ev’ry day getting sadder and moister.
He found his home life awf’lly wet
and longed to travel with the upper set.
Poor little oyster!
Fate was kind to that oyster, we know,
when one day the chef from the Park Casino
saw that oyster lying there and said,
“I’ll put you on my bill of fare.”
Lucky little oyster!
See him on his silver platter
watching the queens of fashion chatter,
hearing the wives of millionaires
discuss their marriages and their love affairs.
Thrilled little oyster!
See that bivalve social climber
feeding the rich Mrs. Hoggenheimer.
Think of his joy as he gaily glides
down to the middle of her gilded insides.
Proud little sea oyster!
After lunch Mrs H complains
and says to her hostess, “I’ve got such pains!
I came to town on my yacht today,
but I think I’d better hurry back to Oyster Bay.”
Scared little oyster!
Off they go thru the troubled tide,
the yacht rolling madly from side to side.
They’ve tossed about till that poor young oyster
finds that it’s time he should quit his cloister.
Up comes oyster!
Back once more where he started from,
he murmured, “I haven’t a single qualm,
for I’ve had a taste of society
and society has had a taste of me.”
Wise little oyster.
But I’ve come ready to make new friends. I’m in the big city itself, London! It’s amazing here, so many different cultures and people, I’m sure I can find my place.
I think I can belong here. I’ve just wanted to be a part of your world… ‘I don’t see how a world that makes such wonderful things…
Que track 9
– curry, Cumberland sausages, clotted cream – could be bad?’
- Part of Your World Song (3mins)
Look at this stuff, Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think my collections complete?
Wouldn’t you think I’m the girl,
the girl who has everything.
Look at this trove, treasures untold.
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you’d think,
sure, she’s got everything.
I’ve got gadgets and gizmos aplenty.
I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore.
You want thingamabobs. I’ve got twenty, but who cares?
No big deal. I want more.
I wanna be where the people are.
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin’,
walk’n around on those, what’d ya call’em, Oh feet!
Flipp’n your fins you don’t get too far.
Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’.
Strollin’ along down the, what’s the word again? Street!
Up where they walk, up where they run,
up where they stay all day in the sun.
Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world.
What would I give if I could live outta these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Betcha on land they understand.
Bet they don’t reprimand their daughters.
Bright old women, sick of swimmin’, ready to stand
And ready to know what the people know.
Ask them my questions and get some answers.
What’s a fire, and why does it, what’s the word? Burn?
When’s it my turn?
Wouldn’t I love, love to explore that shore up above,
out of the sea, wish I could be part of your world.
I’ve been here among humans on land for a little while now. I’m singing music theatre and I’m discovering a new life and new sides of myself which have never been allowed to live before. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my old world. I have friends and family, …
Que track 10
under the waves, who I’ll probably never see again, because they can’t accept me for who I am now. But they’ll always be a part of my life and my memories, and my life will go on…
10. My Heart Will go on (approx. 4:30)
Ev’ry night in my dreams I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.
Far across the distance and spaces between us,
you have come to show you go on.
Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door
and you’re here in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.
Spoken over music: What have I learned since leaving the sea and coming to land? That maybe you always feel like you never belong. But it’s your choice. Don’t let other people choose where you belong – you choose for yourself where to belong
You’re here: there’s nothing to fear,
and I know that my heart will go on.
We’ll stay forever this way.
You are safe in my heart,
and my heart will go on and on.
My hope is that one day mer-people will appreciate that females of a ‘certain’ age and that the human race will do a better job of this over my merworld. The merworld watches what you do, and they copy and learn from you.
I started out as Shirley Knot (down emphasis) – never wanting to be an opera singing siren, but it’s taught me, that I’m now Shirley Knot (up emphasis) – there’s always the possibility to change, no matter what stage of life you’re at.
So, my hope for you is to love yourself and be kind, because if you can’t give it to yourself, you can’t give it to others and boy does this world need it right now (hold until track starts) … (instructing audience that there are que cards on the table/chairs so they can sing for a few verses)
Come swim with me….
- Come Swim with Me (3:16)
Come swim with me, let’s swim, let’s swim away.
If you can use some exotic booze, there’s a bar across the bay.
Come swim with me, come swim, let’s swim away.
Come swim with me, let’s float down to Hove lagoon
In Soho land there’s a one-man band who’ll toot his flute for you.
Come swim with me, come swim let’s swim away.
Once I get you down there, where the air is rarefied.
We’ll just glide, fish eyed.
Once I get you down there, I’ll be holding you so near.
You may hear, angels crying because your drowning (dying).
Weather wise it’s such a lovely (gas’n) day.
You just say the word and we’ll beat those gulls down to old Scarborough Bay.
It’s perfect for a swimming Hen (stag) do they say.
Come swim with me, come swim, come swim away.
(Repeat last 2 verses, but with slight changes of words)
On music interlude before repeat speak: Give thanks to audience, tech, venue, etc.
Pack up let’s swim away.